What is happening when a child is “fine” at school but struggling at home?

One of the most frustrating experiences for parents of children with SEN (special educational needs) – known as additional learning needs (ALN) in Wales – is being told that their child is, “fine in class,” when they are clearly struggling outside school.

At home, parents often see anxiety, exhaustion, emotional outbursts and distress about going to school that appears to vanish once they are in class. Many parents ask us: “How can my child be fine in school but struggle so much at home?”

The answer is that children with SEN and ALN are sometimes not fine in school, despite appearances.

Some autistic children and children with ADHD, speech and language difficulties, sensory processing differences or other SEND are able to mask or suppress their difficulties during the school day to give the impression that they are coping.

However, these coping strategies use a significant amount of energy and the impact it has on their nervous system often hits once they are home and feel safe again.

After-school meltdowns

From the outside, your child may appear settled, well behaved and capable in school. They may be doing well academically too. Behind the mask however, there can be a lot going on to maintain that appearance and “cope” with the demands of school.

They may have to concentrate intensely, follow classroom routines that cause them distress, deal with sensory issues, try to copy other children to fit in and suppress their true emotions for fear of being judged.

Maintaining that level of effort throughout the school day can be exhausting. When your child gets home, where they feel safe and less pressured, they may no longer have the energy to continue masking their difficulties. This can result in after-school meltdowns, shutdowns, anger and fatigue after school, and difficulties before school in the mornings.

Signs that a child is struggling despite being “fine” at school

A child who appears fine at school may show significant difficulties before or after the school day. Every child is different but common signs can include:

• Extreme tiredness after school
• Emotional outbursts or meltdowns
• Increased anxiety
• Difficulties putting on their uniform
• Crying or becoming withdrawn
• Difficulty talking about their school day
• Refusing or becoming distressed about going to school
• Problems sleeping
• Sensory overload before or after school
• Difficulty completing homework
• Needing significant amounts of quiet time to recover
• Increased difficulties during weekends or school holidays

These behaviours do not necessarily mean that something is wrong with the school environment, but they can indicate that your child is using considerable effort to cope with demands during the school day.

“They are fine in class” does not always mean their needs are being met

Being able to sit in a classroom, complete work or avoid disruptive behaviour does not necessarily mean that your child has no special educational needs or additional learning needs.

Your child does not have to look like they are struggling in class for their difficulties to be real or for support to be put in place.

It’s important to consider your child’s needs across different environments, rather than relying only on how they may appear in the classroom.

Understanding what happens before, during and after school can provide a much more accurate picture of their needs.

What do I do if school says my child is fine?

If school says your child is fine, but you believe they are struggling, ask for a discussion about the full picture of your child’s needs.

Parents can provide important evidence about how their child functions outside the classroom.

Parents see their child’s behaviour before school, after school, at weekends and during holidays. They may notice patterns that are not apparent to teachers.

Keeping a record can be helpful. Note what happens, when it happens, possible triggers and the effect the difficulty has on your child’s education, wellbeing and everyday life.

Share specific examples from home and explain the impact that school appears to be having on your child’s emotional wellbeing, behaviour, energy levels and ability to function outside school.

For example, instead of simply recording that your child is “anxious”, you might record that they become distressed every morning before school, require significant recovery time after school or regularly experience emotional outbursts following a day in class.

What can school do to help?

School staff can work with parents to identify what is causing difficulties and consider whether reasonable adjustments, additional support or changes to the school environment could help.

Depending on the child’s needs, school might consider things like access to a quieter space, movement breaks, predictable routines, reduced demands, visual information, additional processing time or a trusted adult they can approach when they are becoming overwhelmed.

The aim should be to help the child remain regulated and able to access learning, rather than waiting until they reach crisis point.

If you need any help working with the school to ensure your child’s needs are being met, please contact our specialist education solicitors below.