Child arrangements after separation: what parents need to know

When parents separate, one question usually matters more than any other, “what happens to the children?” Decisions about where children live, how they spend time with each parent, and how important choices about their lives are made can feel deeply personal and overwhelming.

Vanessa White, divorce coach, and I see firsthand that children cases are not simply legal disputes. They involve family dynamics, emotions, communication and, above all, the welfare of the child. In this article, Vanessa and I consider how decisions about children are made after separation, what parents can expect if matters reach court, and how a child-focused approach can help families move forward more constructively.

What happens if parents do not agree?

It is important to remember that the first step is not to engage the Court’s help. As with financial remedy proceedings, the Court very much encourage individuals to try and resolve matters outside of the Court building. From our experience, it is often better if parents have directly agreed the arrangement as they can be more likely to make it work.

If, however, it is not possible for parents to agree, the Court can make various orders, including the following:

• Child Arrangements Order – this deals with where a child should live and who they should spend time with
• Specific Issue Order – as it says on the tin, these are orders on particular issues, for example, where a child should go to school or whether they should undergo particular medical treatment
• Prohibited Steps Order – these are orders that prevent one or both parents from doing something, for example taking them out of the country or applying for a passport.

When deciding on whether to make such an order, the Court and/or solicitor’s will have various factors in mind, including the children’s needs, as well as their wishes and feelings (depending on their age).

Depending on where someone is based in the country, they will either go down the traditional Court route, with two hearings before a final hearing. However, some areas of the country have introduced the Pathfinder/Child Focused Court system. As the name suggests, the aim is to be more child focussed. In the simpler cases, the process should take a much quicker 16 weeks. Cafcass (Child and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) the organisation who assist the Court in supporting and safeguarding children are involved from the outset rather than part way through the proceedings. This means cases can be dealt with more efficiently, which is better for all involved.

Is there ever any cross-over with the finances?

Resolving the financial matters and the arrangements for the children are dealt with separately. Even in the event we are required to involve the Court, they are dealt with under separate and distinct Court proceedings.

One of the challenges that Vanessa and I see during the process, however, is how arrangements for children can become intertwined with financial discussions. It is right that some elements can play apart in each of the proceedings, for example, where the children are living will impact on the respective parents’ housing and income needs, however, we strongly advise to not let one cloud the judgment of the other.

Where emotions are running high, it can still be tempting for parents to use financial issues as leverage around contact or other arrangements for their children.

This can include child maintenance, which is an ongoing financial responsibility and not strictly part of the financial remedy. It is often brought up and ‘used’ as a bargaining chip when discussing child arrangements. Child maintenance becomes payable when there is not shared care. For example, we, therefore, see some parents suggesting a 50:50 child arrangement in order to try and avoid paying the other parent any child maintenance. This is clearly not the idea and any decisions should be made with the child’s best interests at heart and for no other reason.

Vanessa explained that her role as a divorce coach is to help clients recognise when these issues are becoming blurred and to help keep the focus on choices that are in their children’s interests, rather than allowing unresolved feelings between the adults to influence parenting decisions. It can also be important to recognise that financial arrangements and children’s needs will continue to evolve as children grow up and circumstances change, long after the divorce itself is finalised.

Post-separation abuse

Post-separation abuse is real and is one of the least spoken about, misunderstood and challenging areas once a couple end their relationship. In Vanessa’s experience, separation does not mean the end of controlling or abusive behaviour. In fact, far from it as the dynamics within a relationship can continue or take different forms after separation, particularly where children are involved, because separation and divorce is the ultimate loss of control.

Unhealthy behaviours might include using children as messengers, creating conflict around arrangements, withholding information, repeatedly changing plans or using money and contact as ways of maintaining control.

Having a specialism in domestic abuse, Vanessa helps clients recognise these behaviours and understand that what they are experiencing may be part of a wider pattern of control.

Coaching can also help establish healthy boundaries, safely, and develop ways of communicating that reduce opportunities for continued conflict, while keeping the children’s needs at the centre.

“Communication is key”

Communicating with the other parent

The quality of communication between parents during separation and divorce can really set the tone, but is often so challenging. Sometimes communication has been poor during the relationship, which makes it very hard during the divorce process. It is never too late to adopt healthier strategies for communication, this is so important where children are concerned.

Communicating with an ex-partner about children can be particularly difficult when the relationship has ended badly or emotions are still raw. Parents often need to find a way to communicate about practical matters without getting drawn back into arguments about the relationship itself.

Keeping all communication clear, factual, functionally friendly, avoiding high emotion and focused on the children can make a significant difference. For some families, this may also mean putting boundaries or more structured communication in place rather than trying to maintain a close co-parenting relationship that simply isn’t realistic.

If you are finding communication difficult with the other parent, using a ‘parenting app’ can really help smooth the way as you go forward. Some parenting apps have mechanisms to measure the tone of a message to help dial the heated discussions down and keep focussed on what they are there to discuss.

It is also very important for us, as solicitors, to bear this in mind when corresponding with the other parent’s solicitors. It is best to avoid inflammatory language to ensure that matters are not escalated further. It is best for everyone to resolve this as quickly and as amicably as possible.

Communicating with children

One of the most difficult parts of separation for parents can be deciding what to tell their children. Children need clear, honest, age-appropriate information about what is happening, but they should not be given adult information or made to carry the emotional burden of the divorce.

Vanessa and I encourage parents to think carefully about what their children need to know, rather than simply what they want them to know. This includes helping them to feel secure by reassuring them that the separation is not their fault and that they are loved. Give children the space to have their own feelings about what is happening.

No matter how much animosity or anger there might be between parents, avoiding blame or criticism of the other parent in front of children is critical. Use other support like friends, family, divorce coach to vent and let anger out. Children may have different questions and concerns as they adjust, and their understanding of the separation can change as they get older, so it is also important to remember that this isn’t one conversation.

Above all, it is important for the children to know that they are able to speak to their parents and they do not feel that they cannot talk about time they have spent with the other parent. Both parents should encourage contact where it is safe to do so.

Top tips to takeaway

• Children are not a bargaining chip – proceedings are about the child/children involved and not about what each parent wants to achieve
• Communication is key especially where children are involved – keep discussions with the other parent focussed and help to ensure your child/children feel they can always speak to you – no matter what
• Parents should do their best to agree matters out of Court, but where this is not possible, keep the children at the forefront of their mind.
• Reach out to professionals such as lawyers and divorce coaches who can help provide clarity and support through what can be a very difficult time, especially where there has been ongoing abuse.

If you are struggling to make arrangements for your children do please get in touch with Geldards Family Team, we would be more than happy to help.

If you require a divorce coach, Vanessa White can be reached at – coaching@vanessawhite.co.uk or on 07772 332570