Is family law like a battlefield?
Upper Tribunal Judge O’Callaghan, in a recent case decision (A Father v A Mother), said: “I am concerned that at times C is regarded by both parties as a possession to be successfully fought over. They both adopt a ‘battle mentality.”
Sadly, this reflects how many families see things when couples separate or divorce, not helped by some headlines in the news and TV or films which sensationalise this very personal and very difficult time.
The perception of a “battle” in family law, unfortunately, seem to mirror how some members of the family law community (the legal advisers in the main) also advise and guide their clients, aiming to “strike first, strike hardest” and to “win” and enjoying being seen as a shark or a pitbull. This, in my view, loses sight of the people at the heart of that matter.
So, I challenge those of us working across the family law legal world, and the general public, to have a think about this question: if there is a “battle” there must be a winner and there must also be a loser. Who is that loser really?
Who is affected when family law is treated like a battleground?
The answer, I suspect, is the child or children, caught up between parents and family members they love and want to spend time with without difficulty or “war wounds”.
In the end, the adults don’t truly win “battles” like this either. They have probably spent an awful lot of money on legal advice but, more crucially, they have invested an even greater amount of their time, emotional energy and gambled away most or all of the trust that might have remained between the adults post-separation. That matters even if you don’t share the care of any children because you not only may still share friends and a local area, but also it can impact your future relationships too.
What happens after the battle then?
However, resolution-focussed your family legal advisers may be, they only remain involved in your life and your family’s life for a relatively short period of time (even if that period lasts months or years). Once the court process is in the rear-view window, you still have a family that needs to find a way to communicate and manage the arrangements for the children involved or to simply move on with your own life without constantly looking back.
Where children are involved, the family court must consider the welfare of any child that crosses its path, and one aspect of that is how capable each of the parents (or other carers) is of meeting that child’s needs. Those needs extend much further than food on the table and the clothes on their back. Their needs include how parents interact with one another – because if there are parenting disputes and they cannot work well together (even if that means at a physical distance), that is going to have the potential to harm the child they both love and cherish.
So, a plea to separating parents and families to keep in mind that yes, you may be hurt and angry at the moment, but you aren’t angry with your children because you are separating from their mum or dad or a step parent they love too.
If you would like more advice about any issues relating to family breakdown and separating as well as possible, get in touch.
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Our family team here at Geldards strives to make use of language in communications that is constructive not destructive, because we understand that our involvement with your family should help you resolve the difficulties, not add to them and we are there to help you sort out arrangements that will last and be able to evolve with your family’s changing needs over time too.