Navigating the emotional and practical barriers to divorce

When it comes to divorce, the legal process is only one part of the journey. The emotional and psychological challenges can be equally significant. It can be helpful to speak to other professionals, as well as solicitors. In this article, I share insights from Vanessa White, a divorce coach with considerable experience supporting individuals through separation and divorce. She offers a clearer perspective on the obstacles, the steps and the mindset for moving forward.

What are the barriers to divorce for clients?

Many people delay or avoid beginning the divorce process simply because they are uncertain about what happens next or lack a clear understanding of how it works. Often they feel stuck or uncertain, afraid, unsure who to turn to or how to act.

Vanessa observes that fear of the unknown, financial insecurity and social judgement create inertia. Self-doubt creeps in: questions like “What if I regret it?”, “What if I’m the problem?”, or “What if they change?” can paralyse decision-making.

Guilt is a major emotional barrier, especially when children are involved. Vanessa explains that clients often feel they are “breaking up the family” or have failed by not making it work. That sense of failure can override their own well-being and their ability to move forward.

Others hold onto hope that things will improve if they wait just a little longer, even if that has been their position for years. The reality remains that we cannot change other people. On the practical side, many people simply don’t know how to access a good family lawyer or have misconceptions about what the process actually involves.

How do you start the divorce process?

The person deciding to initiate the divorce can apply either individually or jointly with their spouse. The process begins with an online application and a court fee of £612.

If the application is made on a sole basis, the respondent has 14 days to reply. Disputes are rare because legal grounds for opposing are limited. After 20 weeks the applicant may apply for what is called the Conditional Order, effectively the stage at which the court confirms you are entitled to divorce. A further wait of six weeks and one day follows, after which you may apply for the Final Order, which formally ends the marriage.

It is important, especially where there are complex financial matters (such as pensions) to share, to speak to your solicitor before applying for the Final Order. In many instances, it is better to delay that final step until financial matters are resolved.

Is there still a stigma around divorce?

Yes. Although societal attitudes have improved, Vanessa sees that many still believe that being single after divorce is somehow “bad”. The language used, ‘failed marriage’, ‘you should have tried harder’, ‘marriage breakdown’, perpetuates shame. In reality, choosing to leave an unhappy, unhealthy or abusive relationship is an act of strength, not failure.

In a marriage, individuals may lose their sense of self; the labels of spouse, partner, husband or wife focus on the “we”. After separation, surrounded by couples, many question: “Who am I now?”

Divorce is not simply a legal procedure; it is a transition into a new chapter of life.

Vanessa stressed that recognising this shift in mindset can make all the difference.

Since April 2022 the law introduced no-fault divorce: couples need only confirm an “irretrievable breakdown of the marriage”. They no longer have to specify adultery or unreasonable behaviour. This change has helped reduce the blame and animosity that previously accompanied the process.

What are the keys to effective communication during divorce?

Communication in divorce is among the toughest challenges. You shift from a team mindset to advocating for yourself; you face high conflict, strong emotions, financial pressures and practical responsibilities like single parenthood or managing a home alone.

The goal is not “winning” the argument but moving the process forward in a constructive and efficient way. Give yourself time and space to respond rather than reacting in the moment. Written communication can help because it allows more measured responses and helps reduce emotional escalation. Stick to the facts and fundamentals of what you’re trying to achieve – you don’t need to respond to every single provocation.

Avoid involving children in adult communication. Do not use them as intermediaries or bad-mouth the other parent in front of them. Use your support network for that instead.

Top tips for those going through divorce

• Get support: divorce is a highly traumatic life event. Build a team around you: family lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisers, trusted friends, supportive employers or colleagues.
• Get clarity: speak to the right people at the right time so you can make informed decisions rather than choices based on fear.
• Practice self-care: you cannot move forward from burnout. Process your emotions, reflect, rebuild your self-esteem, and carve out moments of normalcy and fun. Remember: this is a phase of your life, not the rest of your life. You will come through it, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
• Get advice early: engaging professional guidance early on helps focus the practical side of things.
• Don’t delay: understandably, it can be hard to take the first step, but delays can negatively impact your financial situation.
• Choose the right solicitor: make sure the solicitor you pick is someone you trust. Someone who will not escalate matters unnecessarily, focusing on resolution rather than conflict.

If you are struggling in your relationship or considering divorce, do please get in touch with Geldards Family Team, we would be more than happy to help.

Vanessa White can be reached at – coaching@vanessawhite.co.uk or 07772 332570

Vanessa and I will return shortly with a follow-up piece focusing on financial remedies in divorce.